Driving Lessons
by killhill2003
Summary: Jeff reminises of the times when he taught the boys how to drive badly. Jeff has a surprise.
1. Default Chapter

A Jeff POV

This is for all the bad drivers out there. I bet everyone reading this who can drive comes under one category. I for some reason come under all 5 must be why I have failed my driving test 5 times, I will still insist I am a good driver.

I own nothing denada. If only I owned a Tracy then I could own a whole lot more. Special thanks to goddess of sailing my beta reader, zeilfanaat. Have a blast sailing and I hope everyone enjoys.

I have done a lot of good and bad things for this world. I formed International Rescue, gave millions upon millions to charity, employed loads of people at good wages, and helped the world of technology. But there are some horrible evil things that I have done in this world and one of them was teaching my 5 sons to drive!

I have 5 sons, you see, and not one of them is a safe driver. Insane, crazy, road rage, dreamer, and speeder. Not one of them is normal driver. Sure they can all fly aeroplanes and space ships pretty well, but driving. Hell no. I though that, since the boys are out on a mission to help out a large car pile at the New Jersey Turn Pike, I'd tell you all about the times when I taught my boys to drive.

I'll start with Scott. He's the oldest, so obviously he was first to learn. I taught Scott at 16. I though 15 was too young and at least at 16 you were a tiny bit more mature. Scott, I though would be an easy one. He'd fly through the lessons. Oh boy, was I wrong. I started off with the easy approach on his 16th birthday, telling him where everything was and went. He was learning manual.

Why I taught him manual I will never know. He didn't have a clue where anything was. You told him to lightly press the gas peddle. What did he do; bloody well stamped on it. Revving the car like there was no tomorrow.

I lost my temper more than once with him in that car, I can tell you. Scott went crazy behind the wheel. He always thought he was driving an automatic car when he coasted round bends in 5th gear at 40mph. I would scream and yell and plea with the boy and all I ever got back was:

"But dad, I slowed down. It was safe to turn."

After comments like that he got around 30 minutes of lecturing by which time his 2 hour practice would end, thank the Lord. I swear he did it on purpose sometimes, to get hold of my money.

There were times where we would be practicing in town. I liked in-town-driving. This was when he would not go above 3rd gear therefore my heart didn't leap as much but yet he got distracted.

GIRLS

On several attempts he, I swear he did even though he will deny it, tried to push my head down to hide me. Pretending, all innocently as he does, that his mirror on my side was out of balance. Thus giving me the ideal opportunity to stop the lesson early and give him the lecture about safe driving.

That boy got a lot of lectures and when the time came for him to sit his test he passed with flying colours. I think he must have knocked the instructor unconscious and filled in the form himself. Only way he could have passed.

But thankfully he did become a good driver. Well average. He moved to England to attend university and decided to re-sit his test there. He failed his test 4 times before becoming a decent driver.

John on the other hand, oh boy, that was one of the worst times in my life. I swore after teaching Johnny to drive I would never teach again. Ha, if only.

Mr. Road Rage. If any of you know John, he is a sweet, loving natured boy. But not behind the wheel of a car. I never learnt so many new words in such a short space of time, and sure as anything I learned 4 new bad words a week. The boy was mad. Sweet and sensitive I always associated John with. Ha, I was proved wrong. Mr. Rage I call him now. His wife Pipa never allows John to drive with her in the car. She is too scared, much like myself and I'm pretty sure John's brothers are too.

Anyway John got taught at 16 as all the boys did. First few lessons were on country lanes. Not much traffic around. Thank the Lord. But then came town driving. My Lord, he'd scream out the window at other drivers, and if the other drivers stopped, there was a full on argument outside the car.

The boy was full of rage. I remember once when a driver stopped suddenly in front of him. Oh dear, the poor old lady. John got out and yelled at her in full force. He wanted to know why the hell she was such a bad driver. I was mortified and hid in the car, not wanting to stop Johnny. Actually too scared to stop John. But that old woman could hold an argument. It went on for hours until the police broke it up. I was still hiding. The police officer totally understood why I was hiding. He almost had to call reinforcements to break them up.

John, like his brother, passed first time. I think John scared the examiner so much with his road rage that the examiner never wanted to see him again. Couldn't blame him.

Virgil was next on the list. I think Virgil was the easiest to teach out of the 5. He never wanted to learn how to drive but I begged him, telling him that this was really the only time I got to spend with him and his brothers. He agreed to be taught. Virgil is my dreamer of drivers. I'm sure you all know someone who's a dreamer. These are the sort of people that glide across the road and then say "Oops, didn't mean it." when they crash into you.

Well that sums up Virgil. Ok, so he didn't crash my car, well not quite. Virgil had this habit of going into a dream world and probably thinking of painting of singing, while behind the wheel. Actually, a few times I swear he was stoned but he would glide across onto the other side of the road, especially when other cars where near. One time Virgil went into his "dream world" while another car came from the other direction. I jerked the wheel to avoid a collision, because it usually takes a while before Virgil 'awakes'. To stop the car we ended up in a field. A field!

Apart from his dreamy state Virgil was a good driver and loved driving, well, tinkering under the bonnet. He passed first time. He is a good driver as long as he doesn't go all starry-eyed. Those times are scary.

Gordon was next in my school of driving. Mr. Insane I call him and his driving. He went insane behind the wheel of a car. He hated it and I believe it hated him. He would go all cold and sweaty before entering a car even when driving the car. It took me months and hours upon hours to try and make him a bit more confident about being behind the wheel of a car.

We went to extremely quiet roads. Yet he hated it. He didn't have the confidence. It was so weird. Gordon at the same time was learning to navigate a boat. He breezed through the lessons, but driving a car… he was a wreck at the thought alone. When I finally got him on the proper roads he had a habit of letting go of everything when he got scared hoping it would stop.

Not a healthy thing to do especially in a manual car. I lost numerous breaths in that car and sprouted a lot of grey hair. It took Gordon a lot longer to pass his driving test than any of his brothers. Hardly surprising with his lack of confidence behind the wheel. He mastered navigating a speed boat in 6 weeks while it took 50 weeks for him to pass his driving test.

I know he never wanted to learn. Well he did, but he wanted to quit. He never told me, but he told Virgil who told me. He just liked spending some quality time with me. I must admit I learned a lot about my boys in those lessons. Some things I'd like to forget.

Gordon sadly didn't pass first time but he did second time round, but even to this day he hates driving. He never gets behind the wheel of a car. Which I suppose could be classed as a good thing.

Alan was last to be taught by the school of Jefferson Tracy. He is my Mr. Speeder. Never a dull moment when Alan's in a car. 'Fast and furious' is Alan's method of driving. He thinks he can control a car and it doesn't help when heaps of people tell him he can. You see, Alan is a race car champion and has won medals for it and such. I take a wee bit of pride in being the one who taught him to drive. Even if it did make me almost cry several times.

I think when I taught Alan to drive I had a few million sudden meetings pop up so I could get out of lessons when I wasn't feeling up to it. Didn't work. He was always around when I came home begging me to take him out, and my mother kept looking disapprovingly when I tried to avoid him.

Screaming 'slow down' made no difference to the boy. If anything it made him go faster. Well, until that frightful day where his speeding made me a little car sick… all over the wind screen of the car. At least after that he slowed down. Well, only when I am in the car. Even today he is extremely slow when I'm in the car. He even carries plastic bags as a "just in case".

Alan passed first time also. Well 4 out of 5 isn't bad.

After Alan I refused to teach anyone else to drive. My hair was turning grey from the stress of teaching the kids how to drive and I didn't like it.

I suppose it was good teaching them all how to drive. I learned new things about them, even though I was extremely busy with my business. It gave me time to spend with them all individually, learning new things about them and how they were turning into adults. I am proud of all my sons even though they are all bad drivers.

Ah well I'd better be going. The boys are heading home after a successful mission. At least none of them was driving. Let's hope it hadn't tempted them to drive a car after this. One of the joys of living on a deserted island. There no cars!

The End

The end hope you all enjoyed this as I did writing it. It really is quite worrying that my driving has 5 split personalities,


	2. scotts POV

Ok decided to do a Disney and destroy a good story with a crappy sequal. Well it isn't that crappy I hope not anyway. Thanks for the review greatly appreciated. Thanks to zeilfanaat for being a great beta reader.

I figured that this story had 2, well 6 sides to it, so I decided that the boys would get their say on how their driving was.

Jeff had gone to the mainland and the boys, as they usually do when Jeff was off the island, decided to snoop through his office.

"Virgil, have you found it?" hissed Scott who was keeping an eye on the door, in case anyone would walk in and find them going through their father's stuff.

"Yes I found it, but for the sake of annoying you Scott I decided to keep looking."

Scott shot him a deadly look.

"Hey Scotty. I think dad's writing a book." Scott came closer. "Hey, it's about us. He says we're bad drivers."

After around 30 minutes the boys had a plan of action. They were going to write their side of the story.

Scott a.k.a. Mr. Crazy

I'm not crazy behind a wheel. Forget everything that man told you. It's a pack of lies. It is, honestly! OK, so he taught me to drive at age 16. I was desperate to learn, for the maturity of being a pre-adult. So Dad decided he would teach me how to drive. I still don't know why. He got so stressed out over little things like the car slowly going round a corner. Well, 30 mph is slow. He never gave up with his lecturing.

'Now Scott, I expect you to be a safe, well-balanced driver, blah blah blah.'

It went on for hours, and I mean hours. He always insists on telling everyone at parties or when he is drunk, about this time when I pushed his head down to hide him during a lesson. It never happened. My rear view mirror was slightly wonky so I bent over to sort it. It just so happened, that Mel Walker was standing there at that precise moment. I can tell you, she was a senior in our school and totally into me because I could drive. Well not quite. I had the aging geriatric in the car beside me, but hey, she was into me.

So anyway, I passed my test first time. Totally capable of driving. I can still drive well. Oh man, he wrote down that I failed my test in England 4 times. Well, the roads over there are scary and bendy and they have these roundabout thingies and all these extra rules. Why on earth did I decide to sit my test there? Oh yeah, I was sick of the taxi's and buses. They smoke dope on buses there! Weird, I know. Anyway, I am a good driver compared to what my father says

About John, Mr. Road-rage. So true! The man is insane! Now I know why dad parks his sorry ass in Thunderbird 5 all the time. I remember this one time when Johnny had the good old task of picking me up from the airport. He almost got arrested for arguing with a police officer. I wouldn't have minded but I was desperate to get home and some of grandma's cooking. Not being hauled off to prison because John can't control his temper!

Virgil on the other hand…well, all my father says here is true. Except that Virgil is a good driver. He isn't, he dreams all the time. His insurance for the car is sky high 'cause (either use "because" or " 'cause" of the few major incidents he happened to have over the years.

I assume our dear old father doesn't know about those. I refuse to get in a car with Virgil behind the wheel 'cause of his dreamy state. Ha! Dad thinks Virgil is a stoner. Ha Ha.

Gordon I guess is next on the list. Wait a minute, Gordon can drive? I never knew that! Hey, he was always scamming lifts off me and my brothers. Man, I always thought he got sailing lessons instead of driving. Wait, he got them both?! Spoilt little brat. Ah, well, I don't have anything else to say about Gordon. How could I not know that he could drive?

Next on my list is Speedy Gonzales himself. Alan the Speeder-Tracy. Man, he drives fast. Really fast. I remember him winning the championship at Parola sans. It was amazing! He kept cool the whole time. I was totally amazed. Mind you, my father doesn't know about the time where I had Alan crying down the phone for me to pick him up when he was caught speeding and racing. Yes, I, dad Junior, as he christens me.

Alan called me on that evening and begged and pleaded to pick him up. I struck a deal with the police officer and Alan got off Scott free. Ha ha pardon the pun.

Man my brothers really cannot drive! I'm the only one who can safely drive!!


	3. John's POV

John's story: Mr. Road rage

I am shocked about this. How could my father write this about me?! Mr. Road rage? I don't have a bit of rage in me! Sure I get a little hot around the collar, but hey, have you seen the idiots out on the road? Honestly.

Anyway, I was a good student. Always listened and never argued. I swear, I shouted out like once a lesson. Swear in front of my father, are you mad? 'Cause I sure am not! My goodness, reading this I realise my father is a liar!

The old lady episode was in reality a tiny disagreement between two fellow-motorists. She made a total mistake and it was her fault. I got out informing her of what she had done and she kept arguing with me. I totally kept cool and then the cops showed up. Why? I'll never know.

Besides, what's he complaining about? I passed first time and never scared my examiner. That man has a vivid imagination. Old age does that to you dad.

Scott? A good driver? Yeah right. He does try to hide us. When he got his licence he had to drive me to school and stuff and we had the "girl procedure". If he saw a girl he liked, he hit his dash board, thus meaning I had to hide and if he wanted to pick her up, then I had to hide in the trunk. It gets pretty scary in there, with Scott's fast driving round corners.

Virgil is a pretty relaxed driver. I agree with dad in Virgil's driving dreams. He did it once when I was in the car with him. We ended up around 30 miles from where we were suppose to be! I wasn't at all amused considering I had been awake travelling by bus all night and fell asleep in the car. I guess he did too.

Gordon. I'm with Scott on this one. When did he learn to drive? Honestly, I didn't know he could.

Alan… well I remember when dad spewed all over my nice clean serviced car. It wasn't pretty. He begged and pleaded with me since his car was being serviced. I must have 'idiot' tattooed across my forehead. Ha! Never again are he or Alan being allowed near my car.

Alan is insane, crazy, suffers from road rage, (not me), he is fast and furious, insane and mental. I remember a few times when he phoned and begging me to lend him some cash for speeding tickets. Man oh man, he owes me a fortune. I bet Dad doesn't know about that!


	4. Virgils POV

****

Ok major thanks for the review so far didn't really expect them but what a lovely thing to find on my inbox. I won't say a no to anymore. Usual disclaimer I own nothing denada. Big thanks to the special sailing lack of time and always wanting to sleep zailfaniat. (I hope I spelt it right if not you can kill me later.) Thanks again and I promise well actually I don't but I hope to have all pov's done by Christmas.

Virgil the dreamer

Me? A dreamer? Honestly, the man knows me too well. Ok, so I used to go into a world of my own. For example, I'd see duck and think of flying or something like that. But he is exaggerating when he's saying that he used to have to grab the wheel all the time. I only did 'it' once whilst in the car with him, 'cause normally I fight the urge to go into "my world". But 'it' won the battle that day! I had the flu and, well, we ended up in a field. However, I will deny, to this very day, that I smoke weed. Even though Father and the rest of them think I do smoke that…stuff, I never did! Well, I did it once in college, but hey, I'm an artist. Anyway, back to this particular day. The field incident. Grandma had made sure I was high on cough syrup before leaving the house, hence the reason we ended up in the field. I went light headed, the dream took over and 'bada bing bada boom' we were in a field.

Ok, I think my Father has finally lost the plot. I mean, out of 5 he picks me as the best driver! Ok, I feel a little proud about that, 'cause I never wanted to learn, but he begged and pleaded, and I just gave in eventually. But hey, it was better than taking the bus.

I always preferred playing with the stuff under the bonnet, especially on my first car, with the 6th gear added… oh, that baby ran!

Scott, I guess, always was a good driver. I couldn't really comment until I was 16 and by then he had moved out and was living on his own in England. Hey, I never knew that he failed his test 4 times in the UK!

John… Dear Lord, never get in a car with him! If you think roller coasters are scary with the screaming and everything, this is a thousand times worse! I mean, John is quiet, never swears, but inside a car… hold on for dear life and put socks in your ears if you're offended easily. He doesn't care for what other drivers think, they are wrong. This just isn't the John we all know and love. This is the evil clone of him. I would rather be driven by Alan than John. Now that is saying something.

I guess, since these stories are going by age, Gordon is the next. Now, my older brothers keep asking me if Gordon can really drive. They honestly didn't know that he could. I always knew. I guess we are closer compared to the older brothers. Gordon has no confidence in driving. He hates it and hardly ever drives alone. I think in his whole life he has only owned one car. When he was in WASP I accidentally wrote it off. Even before I crashed it, it didn't have very much mileage, but boy, it could drive! I remember the long conversations we used to have when he was learning how to drive, about that he wanted to quit. I got a phone call about once a week from him. A wreck would be telling me that 'he was going to put his foot down and tell father that he wasn't going to drive anymore.' Like that ever happened! I mean, once in a while I can cope, but once a week… So I gave him the old speech about how dad wanted to spend time with us before we grew up. And I told dad…

Gordon, as we all know, is the joker of the family. Like when I got my first car. My baby: a Ford Thunderbird, and boy, did she purr! Well, she was this horrid blue colour when I got her and I decided she needed a paint job. Turquoise green, which is my favourite colour, was the way she was to be painted. I kindly asked Gordon to pick up the paint from the store and, if he wished, he could start painting her as I was running late. I got home and… she was pink! Pink!! I know he hated driving, but did he have to paint my baby pink to get back at me for telling dad?? I mean, PINK! Let me tell you, I always keep an eye on him whenever he goes near my Thunderbird.

Next and final on the list is Alan. Mr. Speeder. Even he has to agree with that nick name. My Lord, I have never seen anyone drive so fast, except maybe Scott. Speed limit? What speed limit? Obviously he has never heard of it.

Alan must have written off hundreds of cars. Especially my cars. He wrote off my Thunderbird, which I wasn't too happy about, and my Ford Focus. No wonder I can't get decent insurance!

"Virgil, can I borrow your car please? Please? I'll take good care of it, I promise!"

This was what I received every Saturday night when I was in Russia for 3 months. Time is different there and most of the time I was asleep and said yes. Silly old me.

He always claims that we can read him like a book. Boy, that is a big fat lie! He crashed two of my cars and no one but me knows! Alan never has any money as he is too busy paying me back.

OK, strangely enough, I think I am starting to agree with dad. None of us can drive.


	5. Gordon's POV

Hello I hope you enjoy this chapter. The Alan chapter will be posted next week after my next driving test. Thanks so much to all the reviews, I was so shocked that many reviews wow. So if you feel like reviewing again then please do not review goes unnoticed. Oh yes and for the review about the whole age thing yes I know there is a debate. However I prefer Virgil being the middle child. He suits it better. Again thanks to zeilfanaat for spending her Saturday night betaing this. It was a toss up between talking to me or sorting my stories. I went to bed to sleep and left her awake. A role reversal for us two. Ok nothing more to say. Hope you enjoy.

Gordon, Mr. Insane

Darn it he would have to bring out the horrid memories of my driving. I hated it! I would rather spend a year on Thunderbird 5 than take another driving lesson.

As I remember I was utterly hopeless behind the wheel of a car. I think that walking was the best form of transportation for me. But no, my father intervened and asked me to learn to drive. I stupidly agreed. Worst mistake ever.

Ok, granted, Dad let me start off nice and easy with the quiet country roads. Dad, you don't seem to understand. If I didn't improve on those roads, what on earth made you think I could drive a car on busy roads?

As he told you in his account of our driving, that's when I got scared. I used to let go of everything. At the tender age of 16 this seemed practical to me. Let go of something and it'll stop. Not in a car unfortunately… it just causes more worries! A lot more!

Well, second time passing wasn't too bad. I suppose I think if I had failed again Virgil may have beaten the crap out of me. I did make him suffer a lot with the weekly support phone calls.

Well, I didn't drive that much after gaining my licence. A few months then, thank the Lord, Alan passed his driving test and he took over. After all he was far better a driver than I ever was.

However, once I moved out and joined WASP, I kind of got used to that nice thing called a pay check. My brothers were nowhere near so I couldn't ask them to give me a ride. So I bought myself a nice car and was getting along with it amazingly. However, that didn't last very long for 2 reasons. First off, Virgil crashed it and secondly, I got caught driving while drunk. Stupid, I know, and boy do I regret it. But I lost my licence because of it so I no longer have one and definitely do not need it.

As for my brothers, if dad thinks I'm the worst driver then he is sadly mistaken!

Scott. Seven words for you: Never Get In A Car With Scott.

Now most ordinary people can tell the difference between a manual and automatic car. Not Scott. He claims that once you're in third or fourth gear, you do not need to switch back to first or second when you're slowing down, for example when going round corners. Actually, he doesn't even slow down then…

Scott, I can barely drive and even I know that it is second gear round a corner. Second not fourth.

Now, about Scott's girl procedure. He still does this. Last time we both visited the mainland it was like: "Girl! Get down, she might see you! Gordon, hide!"

OK, once is OK, but every bloody second isn't.

I got my own back though. The next time he tried it I lend over and kissed him on the cheek… totally giving the wrong impression to the lovely ladies watching outside. He kind of got his own back. He threw me out of the car. Well, the joke is on him really, 'cause those lovely ladies are always up for the challenge to change a man. And boy, that was a good night.

John. Same rule applies to John as does to Scott. If you gag John and sit next to him, he is a good driver. Without the gag, he is scary. No normal person understands why we are all slightly afraid of John, but for those unfortunates who have ever been in the car with him, well, they know and are scared of him like we are. He must be building up his anger on that space station to be as violent and loud mouthed in a car. John, you just don't speak like that to old ladies crossing the road. It isn't right!

I guess Virgil is next. This is a sour topic to discuss. His driving I mean. I used to tell him stuff I could tell no one else. Alan never understood, he adores driving, but I trusted Virgil and he betrayed me by telling Dad. I guess he has already told you about the time I made an "small" mistake by painting his new car pink. Virgil is very artistic, I thought he might like a nice pink coloured car to pick up the ladies. Yeah right, who am I kidding. I was being spiteful.

I guess Dad is spot on with Virgil's dreamy state. My nice first and last car was a Daewoo. Nice, small car, not too many modifications. Virgil borrowed it. He was in town. It ended up in a river. I mean, a field I can accept. However a river! How the hell did my lovely silver Daewoo end up in a river?! And you know what? Virgil still hasn't told me how. Hmmm, I think I have a few plans for Thunderbird 2… like a nice yellow colour.

Alan's driving. Oh Lord, take cover! I mean, it was great that he passed his test not long after me, by which time I was glad to retire. He was too annoying being a passenger, thinking up jokes and plans while I was too busy to listen. So he took over the driving to and from places. We didn't do too bad. In the space of one year, we only knocked over: 4 mail boxes, 6 fire hydrants and 2 sets of traffic lights.

Not too bad. Oh and grandma's cat called Trixy. We told grandma he ran away and we hid the body in a river far away. Well, you know my grandmother. Alan was a fast driver. You make a few errors driving fast. Like, when we hit the cat. My god, that thing went flying. Actually, I think Alan is the terrible driver. But you know what? He saved me from a fate worse than death.

He crashed all the time. In school the auto shop boys were always sorting his car out. Like…everyday.

Dear Lord, I am never going near a car again with my brothers! Seriously, they are terrible. I actually might never fly with them again either.

Yes I was thinking. Ok don't run and cover I can think without blowing something up. As I was saying I was thinking that I could possibly write a grandma pov? What do you think? Or/and a jeff pov after jeff finds the boys comments.. I would love and cherish some feedback.

Cheers killhill2003


	6. Alan's POV

Hey guys thanks for the reviews on the last chapter cheered me up. Now as you all know I did promise to post this after sitting my driving test sadly I failed. The guy had it in for my I'm telling you that cat came out of no where.

Thanks to zeilfanaat for being the best beta reader ever and adding her much appoved wee bits to this chapter. This is my favorite chapter out of them mind you I haven't written grandma's. Oh yeah you are getting a grandma and jeff chapter somtime in the future. Better be off now thanks for reading and the review and keep reviewing if you want to.

Alan Tracy: the best driver ever

Hello, I suppose you all read the lies that my father and probably also my brothers wrote. They are all lies. Except maybe the cars I crashed… Well, icy roads you know! Yes, you do get ice in Kansas. La la la.

Anyway, I began like all my brothers to drive at age 16. I would have loved to have started younger but no. The old man put his foot down and said that 16 was the responsible age. Blah blah blah.

If I had had lessons once a week instead of whenever Dad had the courage to take me out, I would have passed my test so much faster and wouldn't have had to suffer Gordon's driving as long. Mr. I'm-stressed-Alan-No-I-will-not-go-above-25-mph-on-a-60-freeway.

Well, eventually I found out Dad's trick. For some reason Dad always demanded that we were taught on a Wednesday afternoon. Dad was always busy on Wednesday afternoons, when it came to driving lessons. So one day I was totally down, 'cause, well I wanted to drive and Gordon was annoying me. I decided that I would book some time with Dad in his diary. What did I find. His appointments that he always had, didn't happen. Now, I know what you are all thinking that maybe he remembered them. No. My dad has a memory worse than a fish. Personally I would say it was like a rock. He has to write things down. Even if it is only 15 minutes ahead of when he is going. So he lied. I did the whole pathetic thing around him like at 9 pm. Grandma intervened, and I got regular driving lessons. You just have to know how to work the situation, you know.

OK, so it didn't go as well as one would hope. Dad once didn't tell me he was feeling sick and spewed everywhere all over John's car. Boy those two were mad at me! Hey, it wasn't my fault! I learned my lesson that day. I always carry a spew bag for Dad.

I mean, it isn't as if I am a bad driver. For heaven sakes, I have won car championships after championships. What on Earth makes him think I am a bad driver? How could I be a bad driver? I only crashed my first car like 12 or 13 times, and that's normal right?

Virgil's cars were of course accidental. When did they put a cliff there anyway?

Well, I guess Scott is first to be tattled on. Mr. I-love-speed-and-I-almost-killed-my-youngest-brother. He managed to do this whilst flying round a corner and BAM! Into a field. Well, wasn't it a good thing that Dad was away on business, and that high school kids know a hell of a lot about mending a car quickly.

Scott, I wish you would learn what a gear stick is. Honestly, taking corners that fast isn't right and I should know. I used to race cars and I never went that speed. My lord, I was only 10 at the time. That is a very fragile time for a young kid. Virgil with his paintings of clowns and Scott with his driving… There's no hope for me.

Scott has his uses. Like getting me out of jail. With no penalty points. Fantastic! I knew Scott would always come through.

John will be next. Driving in a car with John is the most funny thing you will do. He screams, he yells, he barges through the traffic. It is the best ride of your life. What dad says about John is just wrong. Dad is a weakling. I personally love it. John is so funny and loud. Not your usual John. He once got into a fight with a valet at a LA hotel. My, oh my, the guy was driving slow! Worse than Gordon! By Lord, John gave it to him, 'cause that man really was a slow coach behind the wheel of a car. Well, actually you were only allowed to go 5mph and John was at around 50, but really… You should be allowed to go 45 at least.

John is supposed to be the nice brother and give you things. Fat chance. I once or twice or maybe some more times asked him to lend me some cash. The local sheriff had it in for me and kept fining me. I asked John for help. What does he do? Start charging interest from the first minute! OK, so Dad spewed in your car once. How is that my fault?

Virgil's driving is alright. He is plain as a mill. Mr. I-drive-normal. Except when either he is hung over or has an exam soon. Then he is a fun driver. 'Cause then he isn't in control. I mean, once we ended up on a railway line with a train due any minute. The pressure, the stress was so much fun! I only like his driving when he goes like that. Actually, Virgil did have his uses.

I managed to borrow his car a lot, like when I kept crashing mine. I think I crashed mine around eight times in two months and always before a Saturday night. Virgil was in Russia doing something. So a nice little phone call was placed every Saturday. Now, time is different there and I always managed to phone around 2 am his time.

Virgil always likes to follow local customs. Russian local custom: vodka straight. I would be surprised if Virgil could even remember me phoning and crashing his car. I know he knows that I crashed his Ford Focus, but the Thunderbird was just a freak accident. Honestly!

Gordon is the worst and most boring driver ever, besides Virgil. I mean, the guy has no guts. He will drive a boat through fire (probably shouldn't have mentioned that) but a car… He is worse than an old woman! He has like a thousand things to do before he'll drive a car. The man is a menace on the road and possibly in the water as well. But please, let's hope he never decides to buy a car. 'Cause then the driving as we know it would slow down… Slower than a snail.

Dad is totally wrong! Both me and John are good drivers!


	7. Grandma's POV

OK guys few things to say. Thanks for the reviews, glad you all enjoyed Alan's chapter.   
Um thanks to my wee boat Zailfanaat. Who we all go awww for, cause she has the nasty flu bug and this chapter is so late cause I had it too. Um I think Jeff's final word will be quite short as personally I have no idea how I'm going to write it so bear with me. Enjoy your read and if you feel like it review. Thanks again killhill

****

Josie Tracy - The Grandmother.

Well I guess you have all read the 6 accounts of my grandsons' driving. Now, I'm not going to tell you that they have all been lying. However, I may just tell you the terrible driving that I have happened to witness in my time.

Well, first things first. I think you all deserve a wee bit about Jeff's driving. Now reading the accounts of my grandsons I have to tell you Jeff has a totally different and dangerous way of driving. The man has no concept of left or right. You tell him simple directions that take more or less 10 minutes to get there 3 hours later you get a call.

"Hello Mom, Help!"

Now, the day the boys were born I did wonder who they would take after. In driving, I haven't got a clue. Possibly Lucille. No, she was a good driver. Maybe the boys are aliens?

Now Scott's driving is like being on a roller coaster ride. Hold on tight and prepare to scream. Several head injuries I have sustained in that car from his whizzing round corners. I can tell you, his slices of apple pie were rationed.

I read here about Scott's girl Procedure, and had to laugh. He did have one, except with me it wasn't as obvious as it was with his brothers. He hid presents on the floor of the car and if he spotted anything in a skirt I was told about the present. At the time I thought: "Oh that grandson of mine is such a dear, giving his good old grandmother a nice wee gift."

This minute I have just foolishly realised it was a ploy. I knew that tire never really needed changing. I didn't accidentally fall in your trunk, Scott. Hmmmm I wonder. Rationing sounds good right now.

Oh dear, I really want to bypass John's driving. Lucky for you, I will tell you about his… well, what he calls driving. The boy should never be allowed to set foot in a car or any moving vehicle. Loud and crude. I tell you, not the way I raised him.

As you all know we come from a small town in Kansas where everyone knows everyone. Now, once John had passed his driving test he had the task of driving me to and from places like wee lunches. This one day, I'd had a lovely lunch with some old friends; they had given me some strange drink, tambooka or something like that. Anyway it tastes like liquorish.

It turns out I felt rather unwell after around 8 or 9 of them. So I called John to pick me up. Me and a few old friends got into a car with John. They have never spoken to me since. He must have really scared them. And I don't think it really helped that I was calling from my slouched position on the passenger's side, encouraging him to shout and scream at everyone. I do believe at one point I had my head sticking out of the window screaming at other drivers, with John screaming out of the sunroof. Let's never mention that again.

Anyway, as I was saying, we are from a small town. One day I was at the market buying some things for dinner when I bumped into the town's doctor who had happened to see John driving, and he offered to get me any prescription drug available to calm the boy down. I was downright mortified.

Now moving on, next is Virgil. The dreamer.

Now I will plead the 5th amendment on this boy. I did make sure one day, one day, that he was wrapped up warm before going on a driving lesson. He has a really nasty bout of the flu and he needed some medication to make him feel better. Well, after reading about him driving into a field I will never give him anything again. Lord knows where Thunderbird 2 may end up. The moon for all we know.

Well, Virgil really is a good boy, never does anything wrong really. I really didn't mean to hurt his feelings but once on the way home from the market we happened to end up crashing into a fire hydrant. You know, he was tired. I can accept that and I really should have been looking out for the big red box in the middle of the road. But do you want to know the worst bit? I know you do. We did a hit and run. We drove fast and furiously from that site. His father thinks he hit a tree. If only he knew. The worst part of it was me yelling at Virgil telling him to put his foot down. I really am a terrible grandmother.

Now next on the list is Gordon. The boy cannot drive. There's no surprise that he has lost his licence. Anyway, he never drove me around. He was otherwise detained, destroying something or causing mischief. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Oh all right. Once Gordon and I decided to go on a little drive to the beach. Yes, quite a distance he did manage the drive. From the back of a tow truck. Yes, a tow truck. Three minutes on the interstate and, bang, railed the car off the road. I was just thankful that we weren't going very fast and that only the car was damaged. Well, don't go spreading it around 'cause, well, Jeff still doesn't know about that wee incident.

Alan, you know when you have the task of driving around four elderly women, you do not break the speed limit and get stopped by the police. As we did one day on the way home from a community meeting. I swear, that boy tried to kill me.

I now realise why I can't have pets. It must be genetic? Killing my cats. I have only had 4 cats in my life and you know what? They all died the same way. My late husband killed one with the tractor. Scott trampled Mr Whiskers; I told him to be careful when backing up in the driveway. Jeff killed Sunshine. That poor cat had no chance. Jefferson Tracy, that poor cat didn't have a chance. 100mph is not acceptable driving on a driveway!

And now they killed Trixy. Actually they didn't kill her… they massacred her. Went for miles did she. Well wait till I see you, Alan and Gordon, you will go for miles. I loved that cat! She was a nice ginger one. I made her a house cat and I know it wasn't right but I couldn't bear losing another cat to the Tracy driving school. But wait. I did.

I swear, I only have once decent grandson. Virgil seems to have caused the least amount of damage or at least that's what he is admitting to.


	8. Jeff strikes back

OK I did warn you that this was short. The finale completion. I don't have anything planned for the future but with my brain you never know. OK so again I failed my driving test. I did a Virgil I'm afraid took too many pills and went all dosy nearly crashed, and a bit of Alan in there for measure. I hope you enjoyed and looking forward to reviews.

International Rescue Needs You!

Due to recent unexplained dismissals of several key members of International Rescue. It has come to the attention that new members will need to be recruited. We are looking for around six new recruits.  
Two pilots  
Two astronauts  
One aquanaut  
A housekeeper.

The jobs are very dangerous and needs people who can uphold the responsibilities of the previous staff.

We are looking for outstanding people who hold a valid drivers licence and pilots licence? The rest you will be trained for.

If you think that you are one of these outstanding members of the public and would like to apply, please write a letter of why you would like to be a member of International Rescue and send it to the address below.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, I wonder how the boys will react to being told that I will never allow them to fly one of my expensive devices ever again. Let alone my mother! Now you see, I arrived home from a business trip around an hour ago and I found six accounts on my families' driving. Now I would have expected a wee bit of retaliation from the boys. However, my mother… that took the cake! The woman has no shame. I now know where the boys get the driving gene from and sadly, it was not from Lucy, as I had hoped.

As a father I always thought that I knew what was happening in the boys' life. How wrong was I?! Scott uses the girl procedure on everyone including his own grandmother. I had a slight chuckle with Gordon's comeback, but I am a bit upset that my mother got presents, whilst I got excuses.

Poor Johnny. He has the whole family petrified. It reminds me of how close everyone was in Kansas. Especially that Doctor. I swear, he was always trying to give me Ridaline for Gordon. He was not that bad, except maybe when he was driving. But John could have used some of those pills. Hmmm, maybe I could slip some into his coffee in the morning.

Virgil, oh that boys need to learn to concentrate! He really does. Crashing into a fire hydrant. They are bright red! How you could miss a big red pole?! To top it off my mother managed to make him break the law by running away!

Gordon. Well, I wasn't happy to see that he had lost his licence but to be honest, it was no surprise. I am amazed he had the guts to buy a car. But this is Gordon; full of surprises. For example, I've always wondered why my mother's car suddenly changed colour after a visit to the beach. I swear, these boys are terrible.

Alan. My word, that boy deserves to lose his licence! Poor mother lost Trixy. I bought her that cat as a sorry for… well, me and Scott killing her previous cats. Maybe I should buy her a plant.

Ah well, I am glad the boys got their own back by writing their own accounts of their driving. It tells me never to trust them again, even with a Thunderbird, hence the new job application. Let's hope we can put this behind us and all have a great big laugh about the terrible drivers we are. At least we can be weary of one another.


End file.
